last trip na 'to!
Mood:  accident prone
this is going to be my last trip here. i'm off to a new site. hope to see you there. maybe this new adventure will be good for me. adios mi amigos.

a second helping of scrambled eggs and tinapa
Mood:  blue
Topic: Limerance

never ruin an apology with an excuse. i wish that you could see what's at the center of everything that's been happening. you seem so clueless and i can't seem to help you understand. maybe i'm really waiting for someone else.

no more stress!!!!!
hey. i just checked my mail a while ago and as expected, wala pa rin response si lillia gill. and at this point, i'm not surprised anymore. and as of last night, i've decided that it's time to stop being stressed out about something that was supposed to be fun. i told myself before that i'm going to enjoy the studying part of this board exam. the philippine boards experience was kinda fun, but drained the life out of all of us because of the gazillion of books we had to study (which incidentally, we knew right from the start were not pertinent to our profession). I know that the US boards will consist of questions and topics which are strictly about OT and I figured at the start that this would be a fun experience. You know,kinda like "oh, i know this!" or "ahh, so that's why we do this technique..." and so on. But because of the recent events that occurred, I just about used up most of my happy cells and i'm just left with tired nerves, a muscle tic and tachycardic heart. I'm guessing that even if Lillia does send me the email in time, the days i have left studying will be divided into study time, ranting time, self-pity time and being nervous time.

And I do not want to to be stressed out anymore. If I take the exam this July, i have a feeling na hindi siya magiging fun for me. All i have to do right now is to save up for the singapore trip --- and study, of course. I guess the price i have to pay for delaying the exam is to feel a slight pinch in the heart pag lumabas na yung results ng July exam. I am expecting that I will feel the envy and hinayang pag alam ko na most of my friends who took it passed. But of course, life always has its trade-offs.

Anyway, ayun lang naman. So i'll just wait for lillia gill's email, pass the application and then study. At least I can schedule my study time better this time around. Tapos pupunta pa kami ng Baguio ng June 6. And nag-request din yung home patient ko na mag-thrice a week kami... hehe. The money i'll get from that can pay for the singapore trip. Hehe, at least I have an excuse to go to singapore. haha.

ayun lang. hopefully i'll be this jolly in july... haha.

see yah. and thanks as in THANK YOU for all the help. i'm glad i have you as my ninja. :D

to my ninja
Mood:  celebratory
"When travelling the path of life, and finding love along the way, Everything looks new and different. Little do you know it is the same old landscape you used to see all of the time; Love has just given you new eyes."

upon waking up after 3 hours of sleep, the mem0ry of the conversation we had just a few hours ago came crashing back. evrything was topsy-turvy and nothing was resolved. it was scary because we were talking about our future. but then as the morning sunshine shone on my face and as i started with my morning chores and rituals, i realized that everything i said yesterday did not matter. all the fears and misgivings i expressed do not matter. I love you - these three words have my whole life in them. to love is to dare. to love is to brave the unknown. and i love you with passion and madness. i may have my biases but i want to show myself that i can be extraordinary. WE can be extraordinary. I remember us making some sort of pact before --- TO DEFY STATISTICS --- yes, that's what i want to do. i may have all these assumptions of what our life would be like should you choose to study here. but i choose not to be afraid anymore. I don't want to waste my time and yours. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.

...
Mood:  don't ask
Topic: mikeynotes
So many thoughts...don't really know where to start. I popped in a melodramatic cd for good measure. Its in a language I don't understand. It works out better for me. Puts me in that mood, while giving me the freedom to put words and meaning into the sad tune. For some reason, the word “kiddo” pops into mind. I now realize why it hurt so much whenever I hear that “term of endearment”. It wasn’t so much the age difference. It was more of the connotation of what that word meant to me. A kid can’t understand complex concepts, nor do you expect much from a kid. Hearing your expectations from me, more like what you can’t expect from me, gave the whole “kiddo” thing a whole different meaning now.

I am lost in my train of thought...I guess that goes with the territory of being a kid; no organization. I grasp the first word that pops into my head. Insecurity. Yeah. I’m insecure. I’ve never been insecure with the way I look. If I was insecure, that’s nothing, nothing compared to the insecurity I feel right now. “you’re not the person for me...right now...”Right now...hmmm, either way, doesn’t really help my plight, much less make me feel better. Now I remember why I was so pissed off that night when you fell asleep on his shoulder. It wasn’t jealousy. It was insecurity. ... Just made me realize who I am, what I lack. Gosh, why wasn’t I sitting right so you could have rested your head on my shoulder? Stupid ...you suck... Hahaha...

And now you’re comparing what we have with ...great...I still remember that one time we were talking...I think it was a few weeks before I arrived......you were talking about how he was so independent...then you trailed off...and cut yourself off. You ended that thought, by asking me to come home na ASAP. For some reason, I get the feeling that you were impressed by him. Ah...more insecurity. And for some reason, I have no idea why it seemed I was too preoccupied to you last week. I actually had the opposite impression, that you were too preoccupied planning and preparing for his departure. Man, I remember the first time I had to leave Pinas to move here...ok scratch that thought, I don’t wanna go there... Anyway, no biggie. Next thing I know, I’m the one too preoccupied to fulfill your needs. Sigh...

Its true though, I was a bit preoccupied, with work and all. I had the impression you were gonna be busy, so I kept busy myself busy, just to keep myself from thinking na gosh, my gf seems pretty occupied with someone else...ok...I lost myself again...now where was I...Oh yeah...I...what the...phone’s ringing...its you...lost my train of thought...oh the distance...like im starting to realize that your problem isn’t the distance...its me...like you said, how our personalities clash, the romantic levels??? Hehe, I’m just repeating what you’re telling me right now on the phone...Oh great, so now you ask me if we’re better of as friends? So do you want to be just friends? Argh...so many thoughts again...I’ve completely lost it...Ok, gonna try summing things up...In a nutshell, I feel insecure. Why? Because I know I’m not satisfying you. From what you’re saying, I’m getting the feeling that what I’ve been doing all along, a friend could’ve done that as well. Like if we become just friends right now, you won’t be missing anything.
Lastly, this question comes to mind as well: so what made you fall in love with me in the first place? I’m not romantic, sweet, good looking, anything. Ok, so you love me for who I am. So...what am I? I’m starting to get the feeling that I don’t deserve you...Sigh, haha, I suck talaga as a boyfriend...Someone kill me now...

Sigh, I guess I’m off to sleep then. At least in the dream world, I get to be the romantic knight in shining armor to save you... *chinese accent* sum ol guy sed once: “The dream was always running ahead of me. To catch up, to live for a moment in unison with it, that was the miracle.” Ah, yes, I guess its time to pray for a miracle. I desperately need one... But I do believe that the miracle will happen. As they say, dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Time to set things in motion. And if things don’t go as planned, at least I’ll be left with the solace that I did try my best for the only woman that I’ve truly loved...

I'm so Happy!!!!!!!!! Gosh....
Mood:  happy
Topic: The Journey
Things done so far:

March 24 - arrival; surprise welcome home party!!! (haha, hindi naman ata siya na-surprise)

March 25 - went to Ely's wedding in batangas

March 26 - Visited the family; Moved in sa Raddisons (huh? hindi live-in ha!hehe)

March 27 - Clinics and Jollibee

March 28 - Clinics; got Ygy's Deevius

March 29 - Jollibee

March 30 - Clinics and he went to P'que to run some errands... Argh... let's burn bridges down! Bday lunch with the bday celebrant (Pam), lYnn and roy

March 31 - Jollibee, Carshow and siempre... SEx (Sinangag Express) Hehe.... Hi Al!

April 1 - Clinics; Videoke and Sorta inuman with the gang

April 2 - Tagaytay... Sonya's Garden!!! Starbucks and Mass sa Don Bosco

Giving Up
Mood:  blue
Topic: Black Clouds
One of them days I feel like giving up.

The separation is just too long… we’re too far away from each other. You know the feeling of being trapped in something you cannot see or touch? I feel that way. I know it’s no one’s fault. I’m getting tired of saying this but I know that this is all I can say to rationalize the situation. I am angry, I am tired, I am lonely and I am doubtful. And what’s worse, I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate it that I know deep inside, when this episode is over it will come creeping back again someday when I least expect it. The feeling of impending sadness and frustration constantly lurks behind routines and mundane conversations.

I feel hatred and disappointment. I hate this.

I asked a friend if it would be better if we just parted ways and try again when we’re in the same zip code. But my friend said the chances of me moving to the States will be slim to none. So I asked myself if that were true. And sadly, I think it is.


We were never a part of each other’s worlds. When you went here for a visit last December of 2004, we led very different lives. I was happy with mine and I think generally you were happy with yours (except for the ex-gf matter, of course). We were never a part of each other’s agendas, goals and dreams. So right now, at least for me, it’s really hard to include you in my life especially when I feel that you are so far away. I feel like giving up because it hurts me --- emotionally, physically, mentally. It hurts me to wait for you and to wait for the good thing that supposedly will come.

I go home to an empty apartment everyday. And i am reminded once again what an effort i give every single day just to convince myself that i am alright. The smiles just keep on getting harder to show.

i am not asking for help. i am asking for freedom. i don't want to just survive. i want to live.

"i love you's" don't mean anything anymore to me. that's why i try not to say it. How can you love someone so far away? How can you love someone and not be with them? Please. I need answers now.

relationships according to Dr. Cox
Topic: Boob Tube
RELATIONSHIPS don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won’t they? And then they finally do. And they’re happy forever. Give me a break.
9 out of 10 of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with and those who get married get divorced anyway. And I’m telling you right now, through all these stuff, I have not become a cynic.
Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and you know, in some cultures, a chicken.
You can call me a sucker, I don’t care. Coz I do believe in it. Bottom line, couples who that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don’t let it take them down.
One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time --- if it’s right and if they’re real lucky.
One of them will say something.

make me whole
Mood:  lyrical
Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I could get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers
They told you about me, said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

Toads and Neurosis
Mood:  amorous
Topic: Conversations with Bob
Weddings are usually thought of as fairy tale times when REAL LIFE is momentarily suspended. "And they lived happily ever after" seemed possible, if only for one day. If I ask myself, "AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" could i actually accept that Cinderella discovered she was married to a guy with a foot fetish and that glass slippers hurt like hell? How could I tell myself that the frog who was kissed by the princess might have turned into a prince, but still had the personality of a frog and ate flies for breakfast instead of cereal? What I know about real life suggests these are not unreasonable answers to the "AND-THEN-WHAT-HAPPENED" question.

It was said that the real wedding and the real vows don't happen on the day of the formal, social occasion.

There comes a time, usually some days after the proposal and the acceptance, after the announcement and setting of the date and all the rest, when there is a conversation between two people in love, when they are sincere and honest about what they've agreed to do. The conversation happens over several days --- or even weeks. It's a conversation about promises, homes, rights, children, possessions, jobs, dreams, concessions, money, personal space and all the problems that might arise from all those things. And what is promised at that time, in a disorganized, "bara-bara" way, is the making of a covenant. Covenant --- an invisible bond of commitment (yikes! hehe) Just two people working out what they want, what they believe, what they hope for each other. With their eyes, they ask each other if they really mean it, and they do. They will seal it with a whole lot more kissing and hugging than you'll ever see in public. haha. And that's it. The wedding is done. All that's left to do is the public celebration, however they choose to do it.

Pay more attention to what's going on in that talking time before the Big Day. You would not want to miss your own wedding.

And though I am excited about walking down the aisle in a beautiful gown, I know that companionship in the kitchen around supper time is vastly more important than the colors of the bridesmaids' dresses. I know that good company and friendship count for more than good looks. And I know that marrying a frog is fine if i really like the frog a whole lot and do not expect princely transformations. I want everything to be romantic, but it's not just about the idea of romance anymore. I won't take anything less than love. But even marrying for love can get us into trouble just as much as getting married for lust or money or social status can. The point is that there is no "happy ending". The point is that marriage is a maze into which we wander --- a maze best got through with a great companion --- like a toad that likes to be stroked on the face with a blush brush to lull himself to sleep, for example. Or a neurotic princess who makes a toad feel like a prince when she holds his hand. That's the kind of fairy tale you can believe in.